Hurt People Hurt People; Stopping The Cycle

Traumatic experiences are varied; there are no comparisons for any paired stories shared. However in cause and effect matters, the way individuals handle their trauma determines the life they plan for themselves. While the method of hurt people hurting people is a common tactic used, it is a redundant strategy that will only lead you into an endless cycle of negativity. While projecting your overwhelming emotions, you tend to push away the people that have your overall best interest at heart. So how can this cycle be stopped?

The first step to ending the cycle of hurt is to analyze and acknowledge your wrongs. Take a minute to recollect everything you have said or done. While in that moment, notice who you have said this too as well as who you did what to. Think about if this person was the one who should be the recipient of the treatment you give. This is NOT the time to start organizing a pity party for yourself but rather an opportunity to express and admit that you were in the wrong. When you decide to openly admit your wrongs and/or apologize, avoid using one-sided language or I statements (there are examples below to help understand why you shouldn’t use these outlets of communication). Instead, confess your mistakes and offer the measures you can do better while asking for help and actually following through with the commitments you agree upon. Actions always speak louder than words and putting the work in to be a better person is already walking towards the path in the right direction.

Examples of One-Sided Language

• Apology ‘buts’- Apologizing for what you have done and then adding a disregarding statement after. I.e., “I’m sorry that I did (...), but you have to understand why I did it. It wasn’t personal.” If this is how you apologize, please be aware that it is not an apology. In a way, the sorry at the beginning is null and void because you are still stating blame onto to someone else which means you are disregarding your ‘apologetic’ statement.
• Guilt trips - There is a lot of common confusion of this and acknowledgment. Acknowledging your mistake is saying you were wrong without justifying your wrongs. Guilt tripping is rather manipulating the situation in a way where it looks justifiable for you to hurt others because of your hurt. I.e., “I’m sorry, you are absolutely right and I don’t deserve any of the kindness you have given me. Maybe I do deserve the worst.” On a personal note I would like to add, this is NOT an apology. This is tactic used to gain sympathy, which is in all ways not the right thing to do.

Examples of I Statements

I am sorry that you can’t understand what I’m going through.

You always make me feel like (...)

It’s not my fault people don’t make an attempt to try.

You are not helping me.

As hard as it is to do, the next and hardest step there is in this process is forgiving not only yourself, but also those who have wronged you. Forgiving yourself is not easy but if you cannot stop the cycle without complying and completing all of the steps. You have to forgive your wrong doers for the sake of your mental health and stability. So what if you believe you have moved forward or if you claim to have let things go? It doesn’t matter what your day to day life looks like; if you still have an underlying pain inside you that still haunts you from time to time and it still affects the way you are treating others, you have not moved forward, let it go, nor forgiven.

You admitted and acknowledged your wrongs plus you’ve forgiven those who hurt you as well as yourself for hurting others. All the work is complete, right? Wrong. While those are some big steps you have taken, you are only at the beginning of the road to ending the cycle of hurt. Now is when you commit to working on being a better person for you and those who are trying to help. Unfortunately, this is not an overnight process. Do not expect to do ‘good’ and be rewarded for it, either. Practice putting in the work by setting weekly or daily schedules, itineraries, and goals for yourself. Do this every day to ensure the routine of this strategy is locked into your head and it becomes as natural as blinking.

In place that these steps become seemingly impossible, here are some tips on how to persevere through them to break the cycle.

• Listen to Uplifting Music - You can’t possibly expect to remain motivated drowning yourself in the melodies that aren’t positively helping your mental state. We all have our set in stone genres and preferences, but if this is the same music you listened to at your lowest then perhaps it is time to step out of your comfort zone.
• Think of the End Result - There are going to be many days you are going to want to give into your dark thoughts. It is said that the destination is not important but instead it’s the journey that matters. While it is true that the mistakes we make build a path to our future, it shouldn’t be the main focus on the road to recovery. Picture your end result. Make it out to be the result you really want to achieve. If you think to yourself everyday that one day you’ll be exactly where you want to be, it will strive you to work on getting to that destination. 
• Alternatives - So let’s say that you are completely hopeless in your situation. Let’s think of some alternatives that will happen if you don’t follow through with your commitments. If you committed to repairing your mental stability and you break that, you have officially admitted that you okay with continuing the cycle of hurt. Einstein once said “We can’t change the world without changing our thinking.” Think of all of the alternatives to ending the cycle. Consider it as initiative to keep moving forward.

While there are no right or wrong reactions to traumatic experience, there is also no justification to continue the cycle of hurt. Hurt people hurting people has been normalized for far too long. Taking these steps to establish the end of this cycle, is something anyone dealing with trauma should take into consideration.

No one deserves to be hurt, regardless of who they are. As human beings, we all make mistakes. It is in our ability, however, to turn those mistakes into motivation to move forward and/or to turn those losses into lessons that we learn from. Being in a post-traumatic state of mind is difficult, but by hurting people because of it you are molding a new post-traumatic state of mind into someone else’s brain. Whether you notice it or not, intentionally or unintentionally, it is still wrong and there is no way to justify those actions.

To stop the cycle, use these steps every day. Making amends will not be an instantaneous process. You will have to work hard every day; discipline yourself with repetition of these steps and tips.