How To Stop Judging Yourself — a Lesson From Harry Potter
What is self-judgment?
Anyone who has any experience in recovery from addiction knows what relapse is. Relapse is falling back into your compulsive behavior — whether it’s alcohol, overeating, fear, resentment, people-pleasing, or anxiety. Recovery is not a straight road. It’s going in circles.
As an ACA (stands for Adult Children of Alcoholics), I find myself relapsing all the time. The difference is that after 3 years into the program I don’t judge myself harshly for it. But no — it’s not the result of a conscious choice.
My will is not that strong. I am quite powerless before my habit to judge myself without mercy. I cannot rationally convince myself not to judge myself. Willpower is not the solution.
Self-judgment is compulsive behavior. It’s an addiction in itself. When I judge myself, I get certain hormones that make me feel alive. Harsh self-criticism is a form of self-rejection.
What causes self-judgment?
Self-judgment comes from our unconscious desire to re-experience the same degree of rejection that we experienced growing up. There is a certain pleasure in self-castigation. Paradoxically, ACAs keep recreating in their adult lives the same trauma they experienced in their dysfunctional homes.
If you were rejected emotionally in your childhood, you will keep rejecting yourself as an adult. When I condemn myself, I symbolically reject those parts of me that I don’t want to see. What pleasure do I get out of it?
By judging myself, I, like Voldemort, split my soul into several pieces and hide the parts that make me vulnerable. I create Horcruxes and hide them so no one will see my vulnerability, including me. This allows me to feel better. It creates the illusion of invincibility.
Just like my family used to reject me emotionally by mercilessly judging “certain parts of me,” so I repeat the same behavior by rejecting those same parts of me that I don’t want to see. The more a child is judged and rejected when growing up, the more Horcruxes his or her soul will be split into.
Incidentally, Voldemort split his souls into 7 pieces— which correspond to the 7 circles of Dante's Hell and 7 circles of Dante's Purgatory.
What is a Horcrux?
How can I stop judging myself? If you follow my metaphor, I need to become Harry Potter — find the Horcruxes and destroy the shame around them.
Horcruxes are the parts of a human soul that were rejected and hidden to avoid vulnerability. To destroy Horcruxes means to accept in love what was rejected in shame.
Harry’s quest was hard — to accept Voldemort IN HIMSELF. Harry was the last Horcrux. Voldemort was that part of him which Harry didn’t want to see, acknowledge, or embrace. But unlike Voldemort, who, following his mother’s example, rejected the vulnerable parts of himself, Harry intentionally embraced that which he hated in himself. The moment he did it, the last Horcrux was destroyed.
The compulsion to self-criticism is very hard to break because, like all other compulsions, it’s non-rational. No amount of reasoning can convince me not to judge myself. It’s a spell. Spells cannot be reasoned away. They can only be broken — by love.
What is the ACA solution?
The ACA solution states that we need to become our own loving parents. A loving parent accepts all of the children — without splitting their soul apart through harsh criticism. One thing I found in the “circles” of the ACA recovery is that my progress in the program largely depends on what I do when I relapse.
Just yesterday, I found myself reaching out for my phone mindlessly again and again — despite my better judgment. It was clearly my phone addiction at work. At first, I felt the urge to shame myself. But then, something shifted and instead of scolding myself, I said: “Hello, my compulsion. I will not resist you. I see you.”
The moment I stopped resisting the fact that I relapsed, something lifted in my soul, as if it embraced a certain part of itself that had been rejected. Next, I texted a friend about it and gave the whole thing over to God. I felt so much better. Then and there, there was no urge to check my phone.
I knew it would come back. But it’s ok. I will not reject it. I will embrace it by saying: “Welcome, my compulsion. I see you.” And then I will talk about it with a friend who doesn’t judge me and let it go into God’s hands — until the next time.
What is Purgatory according to Dante?
The “circles of ACA recovery,” or any recovery at all, are strikingly similar to Dante’s Purgatory.
In Divine Comedy, Purgatory is imagined as a mountain with seven circles, or terraces. The souls circle around the mountain, again and again, always returning to the same place where they started their ascent, only each time a little higher.
Recovery is about going in circles — you always come back to where you started. It’s a constant cycle of rising, walking, and falling. An addict without recovery will be circling down into the bottomless pit of Hell, whereas the addict in recovery will be cycling their way up into Paradise.
The difference is subtle but vital — am I rejecting some part of me through self-judgment or am I welcoming ALL OF ME? Am I doing what all loving parents do — make the child feel that “it” is ok? By non-resistance to what is the Horcrux is destroyed. The soul is patched together.
Every time I refuse to reject myself at the moment, I ascend a step higher in recovery. I cannot stop judging myself through willpower. The more I use my willpower to resist some part of me, the more I perpetuate the split in my soul which gave rise to self-judgment in the first place. I can only use my will to stop resisting right here right now.
What part of the brain is activated during prayer and meditation?
Cynthia Bourgeault, a leading specialist in centering prayer, talks about the science behind this simple practice — which is sometimes called the “welcoming prayer.” The process of welcoming prayer consists of three parts:
1. Observing what’s going on in your emotions and bodily sensations.
Bring your attention to any sensations in your body. Don't try to change anything. Do not repress what is arising. It will help you to become physically present with the experience.
2. Identifying the feelings by name.
Call the feeling what it is — fear, anger, weakness, upset, etc. Though you may feel like pushing away the experience, start to gently welcome it by name: "Welcome, fatigue." By welcoming the emotion you disarm it. It can't harm you.
3. Welcoming them and letting them go (to God and another human being).
All emotions are fluid. They constantly change. By not resisting them and welcoming them by name, you allow the emotion to slowly recede and transform into something else. Say, "I am letting you go, headache." "I am letting go of my desire to change the situation."
There is a stunning correlation between this ancient practice of the Christian East and the activation of the so-called parasympathetic nervous system. It is confirmed by numerous studies.
When functional MRI is hooked to the brain of the person engaged in prayer and meditation, it shows that as soon as they stop resisting and start welcoming, their sympathetic nervous system shuts down and the parasympathetic turns on. That means that the person immediately goes from “fight and flight” into “rest and digest.”
Recovery is the Purgatory of the soul where I gradually embrace more and more of myself and become whole. The addiction to self-judgment is broken when I embrace that which I don’t want to see in me and say: “Welcome, the hidden and rejected part of me. I am letting you be.”
These words are the love incantation that gradually blows up all of my Horcruxes because no dark spell can survive love.
Opinions and Perspectives
Jillian_Lavish
3 years ago
Going to approach my self-judgment with more compassion after reading this.
Nadia_Sky
3 years ago
Understanding the pleasure in self-judgment helped me see my patterns clearly.
ZenModeActivated
3 years ago
The combination of literature, psychology, and recovery wisdom is brilliant.
ZenSoulJourney
3 years ago
The science behind the welcoming prayer is fascinating. Mind-body connection is real.
Coraline_Stardust
3 years ago
Never thought about self-judgment as a form of soul-splitting before.
NourishAndFlourish
3 years ago
Going to try treating my inner critic with curiosity instead of resistance.
Beatrice_Cloud
3 years ago
The phone addiction example is so relatable. We all have our compulsions.
Robinson_Review
3 years ago
I've been working on self-acceptance for years. This article puts it all together.
Poppy_Rainbow
3 years ago
The explanation of why we recreate childhood trauma really opened my eyes.
HunterRussell
3 years ago
Amazing how literary references can make complex psychological concepts clearer.
NatalieXO
3 years ago
The concept of becoming our own loving parent is exactly what I needed to hear.
Hibberd_Highlights
3 years ago
This changed how I think about my self-critical thoughts. They're just old patterns.
Mindful_Moments_Daily_77
3 years ago
Fascinating how they connected Harry Potter, Dante, and modern psychology.
MadelineM
3 years ago
The three steps of welcoming prayer seem practical and doable. Going to try this.
Kristin-Bush
3 years ago
Never thought about recovery as climbing a mountain in circles. That image helps.
Lawler_Look
3 years ago
This helps explain why my inner critic is so persistent. It's literally an addiction.
ThriveAndShine
3 years ago
The brain science adds credibility to these ancient spiritual practices.
Samuel-David
3 years ago
Reading this made me realize how much I split myself into pieces through harsh self-judgment.
MiaCreates
3 years ago
The connection between childhood emotional rejection and adult self-judgment makes so much sense.
Angelica_Light
3 years ago
Love the idea of welcoming instead of fighting our compulsions. Such a different approach.
Outdoor_Explorer_77
3 years ago
The circular nature of recovery used to discourage me. Now I see it differently.
ElevateYourEnergy
3 years ago
Interesting how self-judgment can feel pleasurable. Never realized I was addicted to it.
JakeFoster
3 years ago
Going to share this with my recovery group. The Horcrux metaphor is perfect.
CyberStorm
3 years ago
The Harry Potter metaphor really helps explain a complex psychological concept.
HappinessHacks
3 years ago
Being powerless doesn't mean being helpless. It means stopping the fight with ourselves.
MindsetMatters
3 years ago
The idea of non-resistance is counterintuitive but powerful. Fighting ourselves never works.
OliviaJ
3 years ago
Just realized how much energy I waste fighting my emotions instead of welcoming them.
Stretch_And_Strength
3 years ago
The comparison between addiction recovery and Dante's Purgatory is brilliant. Both are about transformation.
Josephine-Kelly
3 years ago
I've been doing this wrong all along, trying to force myself to stop judging instead of accepting.
LostGalaxy
3 years ago
The welcoming prayer reminds me of mindfulness meditation, but with a spiritual twist.
Thriving-Lifestyle_42
3 years ago
This really helps explain why recovery isn't linear. We're climbing a mountain in circles.
AstralEnigma
3 years ago
Never thought about self-judgment as creating Horcruxes, but it makes perfect sense.
FadingReality
3 years ago
Thank you for explaining the science behind why acceptance works better than resistance.
AstralNomad
3 years ago
The part about reexperiencing childhood rejection hit hard. I do this to myself all the time.
EleanorColeman
3 years ago
Love how this combines literary references with practical recovery tools. Makes it easier to remember.
Adam
3 years ago
My sponsor in AA talks about similar concepts. The powerlessness part is crucial to understand.
LilyGonzalez
3 years ago
This explains why telling myself to just stop being so critical never works. You can't reason with a spell.
InvisibleLegend
3 years ago
Interesting how self-judgment can be both a wound and an addiction. It's like a cycle that feeds itself.
Roman
3 years ago
The article helped me understand why traditional self-help advice about willpower never worked for me.
NickW
3 years ago
I can relate to checking my phone compulsively. Nice to have a practical strategy to deal with it.
Williams_Watch
3 years ago
The brain science part fascinated me. Fight or flight versus rest and digest explains so much.
SkyeX
3 years ago
As someone who judges themselves harshly, this gave me hope that there's another way.
Serenity-Scott
3 years ago
Never connected Dante's Purgatory with recovery before. Makes me feel better about going in circles.
HerbalHealing
3 years ago
The idea that spells can only be broken by love reminds me of how Harry's mother's love protected him.
JacksonEdwards
3 years ago
Just tried the welcoming prayer with my anxiety. It felt weird at first but actually helped.
GlowFrom_Within
3 years ago
I've noticed that fighting my compulsions only makes them stronger. Going to try this welcoming approach instead.
Lauren_66
3 years ago
What a creative way to explain self-acceptance. Harry accepting Voldemort within himself is such a powerful metaphor.
Tumulty_Tales
3 years ago
The circular nature of recovery used to frustrate me, but seeing it as ascending a mountain helps.
Luke_1977
4 years ago
This reminds me of Inner Child work. We're basically trying to parent ourselves better than our parents did.
Holt_Headlines
4 years ago
The brain science behind meditation and prayer makes so much sense. It's not just spiritual, it's biological too.
DigitalPulseX
4 years ago
I thought I was the only one who felt pleasure in self-criticism. It's relieving to know this is a common experience.
HealingHaven
4 years ago
Anyone else find it interesting that Voldemort split his soul into 7 pieces? The symbolic connection to Dante adds another layer.
Blitzer_Brief
4 years ago
My therapist talks about similar concepts but never explained it this clearly. The metaphors really help.
Danica99
4 years ago
The three steps of welcoming prayer seem simple but profound. Going to try this approach with my own self-critical thoughts.
MckenzieR
4 years ago
Wonder if Rowling intentionally made these psychological parallels in Harry Potter or if they just emerged naturally.
FutureOutlaw
4 years ago
The connection between emotional rejection in childhood and self-judgment in adulthood is spot on. I see this pattern in my life.
InfinityNomad
4 years ago
Actually trying this welcoming approach has been eye-opening. My anxiety doesn't spiral as much when I acknowledge it.
DigitalWanderer
4 years ago
I appreciate how the article combines psychology, literature, and spirituality without being preachy.
Michael
4 years ago
The Harry Potter metaphor works surprisingly well. We're all trying to destroy our own Horcruxes of shame.
Summer-Norman
4 years ago
The idea of becoming our own loving parent is powerful. I'm learning to treat myself with the kindness I never received as a child.
Lilith_Breeze
4 years ago
This article gave me a new perspective on my recovery journey. The circular nature makes so much sense now.
Derek_1997
4 years ago
The part about the parasympathetic nervous system explains why I feel calmer when I stop fighting my thoughts.
GoodVibesOnly
4 years ago
I never realized self-judgment could be an addiction. This explains why willpower alone never worked for me.
Brooklyn_Murphy
4 years ago
Interesting how they connected ACA recovery with both Harry Potter and Dante. Makes complex concepts easier to understand.
Thrive-With-Joy
4 years ago
As someone who grew up with critical parents, I can totally relate to splitting myself into Horcruxes. It was the only way to survive.
FuturisticSoul
4 years ago
The phone addiction example really hit home. I'm going to try welcoming the urge instead of beating myself up about it.
CarolineZ
4 years ago
You're missing the point. It's about accepting our humanity, not avoiding responsibility. Being powerless over compulsive behavior is actually the first step to changing it.
SelahX
4 years ago
Not sure I agree with the powerlessness angle. Shouldn't we take responsibility for our actions instead of saying we're powerless?
Ella
4 years ago
The science behind the welcoming prayer is fascinating. I've noticed my anxiety decreases when I stop fighting my emotions.
EpicExplorer
4 years ago
This helped me understand why I keep beating myself up over small mistakes. I'm literally recreating my childhood experiences without realizing it.
Zara_Twilight
4 years ago
The parallel between recovery circles and Dante's Purgatory really struck me. I've been in recovery for 2 years and it's exactly like climbing that mountain.
Renata99
4 years ago
I love how this article connects Harry Potter with self-judgment. Never thought about Horcruxes as parts of ourselves we reject before.