Surviving Devastation From A Death Of A Baby

I was in my senior choir class on January 18, 2012. I looked back at my director, who was currently on the phone with someone, only to be surprised that his expression looked shocked and grim, glancing straight into my direction. I was confused by his behavior but shrugged it off as I waited for class to start. 

A poke on my shoulder had me glancing back to another classmate of mine, "The teacher said you need to head to the nurse's office," she said, "What for?" I asked. I wasn't feeling ill. "I don't know, he just said to go there," she answered. I sighed and picked up my things, heading to the nurse. 

Once I got there, the principal, vice-principal, and secretary were all standing outside of it. I began to feel my heart beat faster. Was I in trouble? Are my parents there too?

I step in and see both my mom and the nurse talking to each other. I announce my presence, and I'll never forget the look on my mom's face. It was as if the life had drained from her. Her eyes were puffy and red like she had been crying, and it appeared she was on the verge again once she saw me. I felt my stomach drop. This wasn't good. 

"What's wrong?" There was a long pause that people always tend to adopt when telling someone grim news. I knew it all too well. Someone had died. 

She sighed, "Grab your things. It's Jayden," she said. My baby nephew? What happened to him?

Prepare yourself for the worst

That's what the back of my mind had told me to do when I got my backpack and coat. I felt the familiar, cold wash feeling overtake my face. My blood was settling to my feet and my stomach was doing nauseous flips. 

I come back to hear my mother loudly wailing. I run in, my instincts pretty much confirmed, but I kept praying that it wasn't what I suspected it was.

Don't take him from us. 

"When your sister tried to wake him up this morning...." she stopped to sob violently, "....He's dead," 

The next few seconds of my memory were wiped out. I think I may have fainted, because the next thing I knew, I was sobbing and being held up by my mom. 

The Aftermath

Death is already one of the most difficult things a person has to go through. We all have to experience it during our lifetimes, which makes it comforting, although a rather dark sort of comfort. However, dealing with the death of a baby of all things is something no one wants to even imagine, let alone go through. I never thought I would go through it myself when I lost my nephew on that horrendous day, but despite all the odds, despite feeling like we wanted to die as well, we were able to make it through, although it was the hardest thing we had to go through in our lives. 

The first week, of course, was the hardest. No mother should ever find her child in a way and never should have to bury him. My sister was a frail, former shell of herself. There wasn't a day she didn't wake up in a puddle of tears. She scared me with how many times she said she wanted to be with him. I felt like we constantly had to watch her to make sure she wouldn't try anything. 

The funeral and burial were just as impossible to get through, to know that the person you were saying goodbye to was only a year old. It felt so incredibly unfair that it shouldn't have been allowed in life like there should be a strict rule against it in nature. But through tearful eyes and trembling lips, we said our final 'I love you ' before leaving the graveyard. 

There were days when I just wanted to lay in bed, not moving, not motivated to do anything. They say when someone you love passes, it feels like the world stops. I wanted the world to stop. To give me a decade to process why this was happening. Why was my sister clinging onto her son's teddy bear as if his soul were inside? Why was Mom getting sick with grief every morning? Why was Dad constantly found at the table with his head buried into his hands? 

Support and comfort from friends and family, while it did help, felt like a temporary pain reliever until we were spiraling back into grief. I couldn't get the sight of his smiling face, his cooing noises, and his overall bright personality out of my mind. What would he be doing if he were here? What were his final thoughts? 

Returning to normal seemed impossible. I eventually had to finish up my final year, but I didn't feel like talking to anyone. People I knew were giving me condolences, and I gave a forced smile and tried not to cry again. I've been crying so much the past week that it felt like my eyes couldn't take much more. But, as horrible as it sounds, school was a good thing to get away from the much more melancholy-filled atmosphere at home. It took my mind off things, even if it was temporary. 

Eventually, the tears lead to anger. I began to snap at everyone even if they only said 'hi' to me. I began pushing everyone away because my nephew's death wasn't the only bad thing happening in our family. I felt like everyone was going to betray me, so I began to distant myself to prevent more hurt. But little did I know that it would end up being the most regretful thing I did to the people, the true friends, that really mattered. 

What to learn from this

Everyone experiences grief in different ways, depending on who the person is, what the relationship was to the person who passed, and the circumstances surrounding the death. My family and I had to put our grief seemingly on hold because of other worrisome factors that followed it, so I would argue that my grief is probably not what you would expect from someone who is suffering from loss. However, for the time we had to allow those feelings to be felt, we eventually tried to move on with life, but not without its major changes on us. 

The first and most important thing we've learned is to hold our loved ones closer. Of course, everyone does this when someone passes, but if the person you love dies unexpectedly and incredibly tragically, to this day, we tell each other 'I love you' before going to bed, hanging up the phone, before going somewhere, and starting our day. Might be excessive to some folks, but grimly, we've learned that for all we knew, that could be the last time we talk to someone. It's always good to know you're loved in case something happens. Isn't that what we all want before we pass on?

The second is to not give up hope. Again, everyone can feel this when someone passes away, but I've seen it shine through with my sister. She went through a certain type of Hell I couldn't imagine and would never want to. I'm not a mom, but from what I've learned of loving mothers who have lost their babies, it's the worst kind of torment anyone on earth could ever feel, and I believe it. Every day she woke up, she had to be reminded that her son was no longer with her, and her heart was broken beyond repair. On top of other horrible things she had to deal with, I saw how strong she was. How she kept going despite everything and believed it would get better, that she would be a mom again and her life will change. And, several years later after everything improved, it did. She now has three more beautiful children, and even if Jayden was no longer with her, she didn't stop being his mom. She leaves memorials of him around her house, with even a corner of the room dedicated to him and the impact he left on all of us. She even writes letters to him on how much she misses him, how much she loves him, and will continue to keep him alive through her memories. 

The third is to allow those feelings to flow. No one judged me when I burst into tears whenever I thought about him or saw his picture. Even if I was hard to deal with, everyone understood whenever I felt angry and brooding, because it was a part of the grieving process. Thankfully, people stood by me even if I tried pushing them away and accepted my apology when I realized what I was doing. It is incredibly unfair when a baby passes away. While all death is tragic and should be taken into consideration, having a baby die is one of the worst kinds of death that no one wants. It may hit you much differently than any other death, but it's still the same kind of process that you would deal with. You'll forever feel angry and guilty that this happened to someone so young and that you'd trade places with them in a heartbeat, because you felt like they were given an unlawful deal so early in life, but eventually, you will reach acceptance even if it feels impossible. Slowly, I picked my life back up, and I tried to live it even though there was a huge hole in my heart.

And finally, if you need to, dedicate something to them. I'm currently writing on a series that I will dedicate to him. While my readers won't know him as I would, I can still leave the love he had for all of us throughout the pages. This just doesn't fall with writing, but perhaps performing a song, doing a certain tradition each year like releasing balloons on their birthday or lighting a lamp during their memorial. 

As I said, it will get better. You'll eventually feel like your old self again. Just remember to take time for grief and let your heart heal naturally.