One Thing That Both Eases And Breaks My Heart

Cautionary advice: If you're going to read it, refrain to be judgemental.

Is it true that this haven in which we reside is only motivated by self-interest, or it is my cynical mind speaking? Is it that friends, strangers, neighbors, and even loved ones do things with quid pro quo in mind, or it is that I met some seriously ill people in life? Why is this ubiquitous GIVE and TAKE philosophy valid even in acts of kindness? Why is one taught that what goes around, comes around; which apparently becomes the reason why one is benevolent? Lastly, do people GIVE so they can TAKE?

This turmoil in my head started uncoiling when I first met you. The self-less, considerate, generous YOU! I then became capable to see through the black and white color of human nature. I don't remember us talking about any humans in our first meet, wasn't it aliens and the black hole we pondered about driving in the fancy streets of our city. I can imagine you snickering about that google maps failure which apparently suggested us 9 and 3 quarter wall (No kidding!). Hey, do you recall that dog house... Oh, how can I forget the frightened look on your face when spitz came leaping towards you!

From that very meeting, I knew that we are meant to be, meant to know each other, meant to be together on victories and failures, meant to share comforters, meant to debate about the best food outlet, meant to imagine unimaginable things! But I swear I never meant us to be so close, that someday a line would be drawn which would say THE END. Hypocrite alert?!

I knew the day has come when I started giving you a cold shoulder, ignoring your texts even when I was in the mood to connect also hiding stuff that really mattered. We have parted our ways for about a decade now. Oh boy! it seems like yesterday when you slouched over the couch to watch ZNMD for the 17th time, with the same excitement that Arjun had for skydiving. When I question the boundaries, I realize that it was the right thing that we could do. You had your guy who desired attention, I had my career goals that demanded separation. Was it me or you who addressed the elephant in the room and suggested that we take some time off? I guess definitely you, as it's always you who believe dialogue is better than awkward silence, while the brat I just go about pretending that nothing wrong ever happens with us. 

One thing that both eases and breaks my heart is the relationship I had with you. I was at peace opening up to you, taking advice, planning victory parties but I never signed up to the fundamental changes our bond created inside me. You wished more time, I wondered a little more won't do harm...  and in that many littles, I never realized that compromises, when burdened, leads to shattered walls. Expectations can be a big-time offender.

A note to future self: Know when to stop! Humans have a very fragile nature, when nurtured they bloom! It's always nice to have someone take good care of yourself. It might not always be about GIVING, be careful not to TAKE too much that one day you can't handle the weight of it, and you just break the shackles so bad, that there is no going back! NEVER, I repeat never change yourself to satisfy the whims and fantasies of others. And never do things that you don't want to do. 

It's a happy world outside, step out, meet new people, learn and unlearn!

Yours,

wishing we took care of the first time

Ex-friend