First Love Encounter

"My first love, I'll never forget, and it's such a big part of who I am, and in so many ways, we could never be together, but that doesn't mean that it's not forever. Because it is forever". This is one of the famous sayings by Rashida Jones that perfectly align with my first encounter of love. Nobody can actually avoid relationships and personal affection in their lives. They are everywhere starting from our birth into this world continuing to our 'end', and even after the 'end' of our lives they still persist.

That was the phenomenon about what I was assured when experiencing my first love at high school. Before this, I was always insistent on thinking that there are no sincere personal affections people can develop outside of their family. It was like a sudden thunder in the sunny and silent sky of my simple teenager life, where at first everything had been happening following the way it should happen: studying, friends, family jokes, and warm conversations. 

Before I start exploring all the details of my first love experience, I need to clarify some cultural and social features. In schools in my country (Kazakhstan), we have two parts: elementary school (from the 1st till 4th grade) and high school (from the 5th until graduation usually at 11th grade). Furthermore, in our culture, it is highly common for high school students to seriously consider their marriage and family plans. From here we can now move to the story itself.

In reality, he had entered my little earlier than I realized he was already a very important part of my life. It was he who in the elementary school his parents transferred to my class. It was he who danced with me what can be called an elementary school farewell waltz, which was organized by our classroom teachers. This waltz was my first ever dance with a partner, and surprisingly and ironically my partner was he. It was he who told me a confession of love I had never heard before. It was he who showed that I can be loved and adored by a man, except for my brothers. It was he who became my first ever love the experience.

I can continue listing all things that he had contributed to me with a bright and warm smile on my face as I can never hold a grudge towards him even for the sake of our painful department. I met him, I liked him, I loved him, I hated him, and now I remember him. 

I can hardly say when and how this first warm affection started to grow within me. I clearly remember our first 'date', which happened at the time when our class in the 9th grade wanted to go out to watch some film in the cinema and have fun together. I was always the one willing to participate in this as my mother always wants me to socialize with people not only study all the time. In that period I had my best friend accompanying me and staying together with me everywhere and every day.

Nonetheless, we were separated when one of my classmates started really liking her and even paying for her expenses. Assuming that this guy had pure intentions towards my friends, I arranged for them to sit together, while I would be alienated so that to not disturb this 'future couple'.

Something went wrong as I actually arranged for myself to be left alone and 'happily' embrace anyone who wants to sit with me. I thought that nobody would because from what I saw everyone had their seats and were only waiting for the film to start. Eventually, I found out that two of my classmates did not reserve any seats and came a little bit late to the cinema room. They entered and when they saw me sitting alone (I guess mostly because of pity), they decided to accompany me.

Can you imagine my surprise when I discovered two guys sitting by both of my sides and watching a horror film together with me? One question disturbing me at that moment was "What went wrong?".

The person to whom I have referred several times as 'he' was one of these previously mentioned two guys, particularly he was the one to sit on my left (closer to my heart?). Anyway, the whole evening he attempted several times to take care of me by suggesting to eat, to drink, or to consider hugging him in the case I am frightened. I did not really care what he was talking about or what he was doing at that time owing to he being only one of my acquaintances and nothing more.

His actions were, of course, cute by the attempts to come closer to my side when we left the cinema room, to talk only with me, to confirm the statements of the guy who was complimenting me with my good looks that day; however, it was something interesting and nothing more. His 'accidental' touches did not tremble me, his sweet words did not make my heart beat faster, his presence did not worry me for the time being. 

Only after that cinema session, my first love started to flourish. It would've not started without his gallantry, care, sincerity, and finally love confession. I felt happiest. I became even more beautiful, but ironically more foolish, always persistent change that often happens when you fall in love. I was always looking forward to our next encounter. I experienced all feelings of the heroines of novels and romantic films. That was a fantastic part of my life to which even now I feel affection and warmth. 

You probably think what went wrong if everything was going so smoothly. The impediment was the difference between our ambitions and dreams. He was the one to pursue a simple life in our small hometown with his wife and children, whereas, I was the one with the desire to go abroad and work abroad to pursue career success over the family-building. Obviously, the two distinct worlds within us were the ones to make us say farewell to the common future.

I was not persuaded by him as I knew I was doing something that is right for me and my family, while he did not comprehend me and my reasons assuming them to be a way to escape from our relationships. Therefore, everything that began with a beautiful start ended so dramatically for both of us. 

Two years later, his family married him off to a girl with simple ambitions and with a similar dream of a simple life as his. In our times of social media, I was never able to escape from seeing the videos and photos of this event. At first, I denied that it was actually the truth as still imagined him to be the same loyal and caring guy.

However, after some time I accepted the actual situation and proudly came to the realization that, indeed, he was not the one made for me. If he were, we would have been together now, but he was not. I acknowledge it, my heart hurts because of it, but still, I acknowledge it. 

This first encounter of the beautiful feeling called first love allows me to discover that there is always someone made for someone and, unfortunately, we can never force any 'alien' person to be that someone. This 'alien' person might be seen as someone connected with you by your destiny, but in reality, frequently it is someone totally distant with the different direction of his or her life pursuit.

What I learned from that both beautiful and painful experience of my life is that you should never force someone to stay and never force yourself to forget your own direction. Wait for someone right, someone who is made for you, and do not attempt to challenge your destiny. 

Thank you for being there with me and reading my work till the end!