Recognizing And Coping With Familial "Break Ups"

Image from: https://wehavekids.com/family-relationships/Strained-Family-Relationships-When-You-Should-Cut-The-Ties-and-Say-Goodbye

"Blood is thicker than water" is an old saying we've all been accustomed to. Family is supposed to love and support one another due to the fact we grow, experience, and learn things together just as much as adults as we do as children. It's a bond that is the strongest on earth, whether it would be tied with a shared name, blood, or being accepted into a new family through adoption or close friendship. 

However, for many, family may not seem more than just shared DNA and a last name. Many of us don't always have the greatest relationships with our family members, be it with our mothers, fathers, siblings, grandparents, and so forth. This separation or tension we feel may start at the beginning of our early childhoods or just straight away out of nowhere due to certain events. For this writer, I've experienced cutting off ties with plenty of people in both cases, and unfortunately, family is included in it. 

'Breakups' are always hard to go through, no matter what kind it is: romantic, platonic, and of course, even family. As much as we'd like to go on with our lives as soon as a breakup happens, we still have to go through the pain, or 'withdrawal', in which that person(s) is no longer a part of us, as it's all a part of the healing process whether we like it or not. It may be even more difficult for some when it comes to family, as we can be around them much more than we would other individuals. Whatever your case may be, these steps provided may be useful to move on with your life and start anew. 

When to know if it's time to let go:

First things first, before deciding that you needed to break things off with this family member, be sure it's something you are certain will benefit your life more. Ask yourself if sitting down and talking to this person may help. Organize your thoughts and feelings to explain to this person to the best ability. Write a list of reasons why you feel this way if having a physical reminder may help. It makes all the difference in the world to simply have a conversation that may make things better, as this could be some massive misunderstanding on both parties' parts. If you feel that it may require more help, it's always good to seek out family counseling with a trained professional. 

If you feel as if your thoughts and emotions may sound irrational, it's important to find another person(s) you trust to sound off your feelings back towards you. Perhaps this is something that has been happening for months or even years, and having a close friend, another family member, or (especially) a trained therapist tell you that this isn't healthy for you will give you enough reassurance and solidify your decision, or they give advice on how to make this situation better.

Or perhaps it's happening very recently, and while it can very well still be considered unhealthy depending on what it is or how this family member is treating you, sometimes even the calmest minds could jump to conclusions without considering other possibilities further. Having another person point this out may prevent an unneeded confrontation, and you can seek other ways in solving this problem. While it can be easy to spot toxic behavior, we fail to remember that sometimes some individuals are being problematic without really thinking about it. People make mistakes, and as long as they're willing to change for the better, this is still a relationship that can be salvaged. However, if they continue, then that's all the more reason to cut ties with them.

Why you should let them go

It's incredibly important to recognize the signs of a toxic relationship with any type of person. This is especially true with family members. There are multiple red flags to be aware of to prevent harming yourself even further if you don't let go.

1. Do you feel as though you're constantly being blamed for something out of your control? Is this member the only person who treats you this way?
2. Have you witnessed them treating others this way as well?
3. Do they do something wrong, but make it sound like it's on you? Do they constantly gaslight and make you seem like the bad guy and don't hold responsibility for their harmful words and actions?
4. Do they spend time with you out of convenience? Not all family members have to be incredibly close to each other. It's important to know that just because you're related, doesn't mean that you have to share a very close bond. You're still individuals with your own preferences for certain things, but if this person is only spending time with you because they just feel an obligation to or because no one else is around, that can be incredibly detrimental. 
5. Are they only around when they want a favor or money? Be careful with this step, as they may sound sweet and promising at first, but if you tell them no, they'll likely be cold and distant afterward. This isn't a good sign. 
6. Do they constantly dig up mistakes you've made in the past when you thought that you've worked it out with them and were trying to move past it?
7. Do they victimize themselves? Do they bring up their struggles to overpower an argument in which they are in the wrong or to get you to stay? 
8. If you try to let them go, do they immediately start to 'sweet talk' you into staying for them, promising they'll change, but their words don't match their actions?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    If you answered yes to any of these questions, then the relationship you have with this person either needs to change for the better or just be cut off completely for your sake. Remember that true family loves and supports one another and that they don't put blame or gaslight others for their own misfortunes or mistakes. If they cared for you, they'd want to be around you not for their benefit, but for you both. This is something you deserve, and it's not wrong to want it for yourself. And if you feel as if you're in a situation that you can't escape from, you must seek the right help to ensure your safety and well-being. While it may be hard to talk to others at first, it's important to receive this aid to feel more secure and safe. There's always going to be someone out there who understands and will help. You don't have to go through it alone.                                                   

   

   If you decide to cut this person from your life, it will be hard. That is a guarantee. As I've stated earlier, love is an addiction we all eventually fall under. It seems more personal with family as they've been there with us for years. However, like all relationships, with time and the right support, we eventually get better. When I had to cut off my relationship with certain family members, these steps were incredibly helpful. You're more than welcome to try them out as well.                                                                                                                                                                                                How to help yourself after you've cut ties

1. Remember the family and friends who truly love and support you: Remember that this person isn't your entire world. They aren't the only ones to care about you. You have other people in your life that will reassure your importance and will appreciate you more. Blood or names don't have to mean anything. As far as I'm concerned, friends can be considered better family members to you than actual biological family. If you feel like you need their love and support, don't hesitate to reach out to them. They will be there for you with patience and understanding.
2. If you happen to live with this person as an adult, consider moving into your own place or with a person you trust. The minute you get away from what's toxic, the better you'll feel. If you can't move out since you're a minor or feel trapped, please consider talking to someone with authority or someone you trust to aid you in this process. Remember how love and trust is a two-way street, you shouldn't be doing all of the work. 
3. Take some time for yourself: This can ring true for any other kind of breakup as well. Take some time for self-care if you feel like it is warranted. Spend some time on a hobby like reading, knitting, playing a sport, etc; treat yourself to a spa day or a good meal you've been craving. I like to get my thoughts in order on a long walk on a warm, sunny day. Getting out in fresh air is therapeutic in itself. Remember that you deserve to treat yourself now and then, it's not selfish of you. You need to take care of yourself as well as others. 
4. Think about the changes that can occur in which you benefit. This family member may have been hurting you for a long time. Now that you've cut ties, take into mind how your life can approve. You no longer have to feel like you're walking on eggshells, or have an unhealthy need to impress them. This is the start of your new life with what you want and need. You don't owe anyone anything if they're not willing to do the same for you.
5. Voice your thoughts: This can mean several things. I like to keep a journal in which I can record my emotional progress. I can also use it to write letters to this family member that I won't send, but it'll be healthy to get my thoughts and feelings all out on paper anyway. It's also good to vent out to a friend or other family member that will understand and sympathize. This will help you feel better about yourself and help your self-esteem grow. But also remember, voicing your thoughts won't always work for the family member in question. Some people won't change no matter what you do, but this is on them, not you. The best thing you can do is to move on with your life and adjust to living without them, not only for your benefit, but to send a message on how they won't affect you anymore. You are much more than whatever they say or do to you. You're worth it. 
6. Cry it out: This rings true for romantic relationships, it works with family as well. By all means, don't bottle up your emotions. Cry, scream into the pillow, put on a sappy sitcom, eat that pint of ice cream in the fridge, or whatever will help you through this process. Remember, after crying, the body naturally releases hormones to help you feel better. 
7. Try avoiding this person as much as possible. This is related to the step of living with them, but if you do not, consider blocking them on your phone and your social media. Don't go to places where you think they may go. 
8. Consider how this will affect your relationships in the future: You're now wiser for this. You can take this time to set boundaries for yourself and consider other people's actions. 

These are only small steps to take to get over a 'breakup' of a family member, but they've certainly helped me. I hope that they will aid you in the healing process as well. Each person is different, of course, and sometimes it will require more than the steps provided to help you cope. There's also absolutely no shame in speaking with a trained professional or receiving medication. Just take to heart how you're worth more than whatever this toxic relationship has given you. You deserve love, support, and happiness. Don't be afraid to take the first step.