How To Heal A Damaged Family Relationship In 10 Clear Ways
Family relationships can often be fickle. You find yourself in a conflict with a family member, and this can lead to anything from a stint of the silent treatment to cutting that family member off completely.
Your response depends on the conflict and how you’ve chosen to communicate with that family member thus far.
What is the main cause of family conflict?
Family conflict is most often caused by a difference of opinion or belief over an important issue.
Even though you’re a part of the same family, you won’t always see eye to eye with all family members on an imperative matter, and you will often disagree.
These disagreements don’t have to be earth-shattering, but sometimes they explode into something bigger than the family members expected. An argument that goes south can cause a deep rift among families, resulting in the severance of communication and affection.
Does every family have problems?
There is not a single family in the world that doesn’t deal with problems and conflicts from time to time. The difference among families is the way they choose to respond to the conflict.
Some families practice healthy boundaries and communication skills that help heal conflicts as they arise.
Some families are fiery and vivacious; they allow emotions to take over when an issue comes to light.
Each type of family handles conflicts differently depending on the past generations and how they were taught to deal with issues. There’s nothing inherently wrong with one way or the other.
However, using proper communication skills as opposed to acting out of emotion will encourage healing instead of broken and damaged relationships.
If you’ve experienced the demise of a family relationship or are uncertain of how to patch things up, here are some tips.
How to heal a damaged family relationship in 10 ways that make sense.
1. Accept the situation as it is
When facing a conflict with a family member, one of the most important things you can do is accept the situation as it is. Establish that you’re in a disagreement and recognize that you’d like to fix things.
This doesn’t mean accepting the conflict without taking action. If you want to improve the situation and work through the conflict, you absolutely should. But don’t accept the situation and resolve to do nothing about it, unless that’s your response of choice.
Sit with your thoughts, ground yourself, and think about the situation for what it is. Realize it’s there and present and acknowledge the fact that you’d like to fix things.
2. Recognize the part you play
Family conflicts are rarely one-sided. You may be at odds with a family because of something they’ve done, but there are always two sides to every story.
In order to work through any familial damage, you must realize that you are involved in the situation just as much as the family member is and accept responsibility.
You don’t have to be hard on yourself or come at yourself with judgment but look at the situation as fact; be impartial. Look at the argument from both ends of the spectrum and understand that you may play just as big a part in the conflict as your family member.
3. Put yourself in their shoes
In any type of conflict, it’s highly useful to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Looking at the situation from the perspective of your family member will allow you to see an altered opinion from their point of view.
It’s easy to stick strictly with your own convictions, placing blame on the other family member out of anger, hurt, and from simply being stubborn.
But once you’re able to view the situation through their eyes, you will see things differently. You will be enlightened of how you may have hurt them, instead of focusing your attention only on the hurt caused by them.
Put yourself in your family member’s shoes and allow yourself a vision of both sides of the story.
4. Understand that healing will take time
As convenient as it would be, no one can wave a magic wand and heal all the wounds between you and your family member. Healing takes time, and the situation must be treated with gentleness and understanding.
You may move on from the situation must quicker than your family member and vice versa. Everyone heals differently through their own timeline and must be afforded the opportunity to reach reconciliation on their own terms, at their own pace.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, so don’t expect your conflict to be resolved overnight either.
5. Break the big picture into manageable conversations
It may make sense to you to a marathon conversation, spending hours ironing out wrinkles in your family relationship. However, this tactic is exhausting and wears on both you and your family member, depleting energy and reason through the course of the extensive conversation.
Don’t try to resolve everything all at once. That means that healing conversations will have to occur over time. Give you and the other family member space between conversations in order to regroup and recharge.
Every small conversation is a step towards healing. Acknowledge that as progress and allow each conversation to build another part of the bridge of your relationship that is under construction.
6. Initiate communication
Initiating communication shows that you care enough to make the first move. You care enough to want to resolve the discord, and you’re willing to show that by establishing open communication.
Don’t be demanding about it but offer an olive branch to your family member by proposing the opportunity for dialogue.
You can’t force your family member to communicate back with you, and you can’t coerce them into resolving something they don’t care to resolve.
All you can do is take the initiative to open the stream of communication and see where it flows.
7. Establish common ground
When in conflict with a family member, sometimes it helps ease the tension by discovering common ground. You and the family member may have had similar experiences with another family member, or you may have lived through the same types of challenges and difficulties.
Find whatever it is that connects you with your family member and play on it. Remind them that you are both human, and you’ve both experienced similar things. You are sympathetic to one another, and you understand the feelings and emotions you both may have experienced as a result of shared situations and circumstances.
Common ground will establish trust. While resolving your conflict, utilize this common ground as a safe space to return to when you both need to come back down to earth.
8. Be willing to listen
Conflict resolution stems from good listening. In order to heal a damaged family relationship, you absolutely must listen to what the other person has to say.
Listening shows respect and attentiveness, two qualities that are meaningful and leave a lasting impression on the person speaking. It’s important that they feel their side is heard and acknowledged, not simply brushed aside without thought.
If you truly want to resolve a conflict between yourself and a family member, you must actively listen to what they have to say, think about their words, and do your best to apply them to the situation. This will allow you to understand there’s more than one side to the story, and it will offer you a different perspective on things.
9. Don’t be defensive
Defensiveness in an argument just results in deeper conflict. When reacting defensively, you are showing that you are angry and are only focused on defending yourself and your position in the argument.
You must let down your defenses, put down the sword, and come into the conversation with open and accepting hands, willingness to listen, and a clear mind and heart.
Don’t allow defensiveness to creep up. This will only hinder the growth between you and your family member and will lead to more issues. They will feel as though you are attacking them instead of attempting to find a resolution, and this is the opposite of what you’re truly seeking.
10. Be assertive, not aggressive
There’s a difference between being assertive and being aggressive.
When you’re in a position of aggression, you are coming at the other person. You may use your anger to call the person names or use condescending language, you may feel big and powerful over the other person, and you may feel dominant.
However, this is an unhealthy approach for a conversation that is meant to cultivate healing and repair.
Address your family member with assertion, not aggression. To be assertive is to be confident, to believe in one’s self and one’s opinions, and to respect the other person.
When you’re being assertive, you’re stating your thoughts in a way that can be received by the family member. You’re not slamming your words into them aggressively, but you’re speaking in a manner that’s clear, courteous, and self-assured.
Assert yourself and your stance in your conversation with your family member. Allow them to assert themselves as well and maintain the dialogue in this manner. This will lead to a more peaceful and humble conversation, instead of an aggressive one leading to more damage.
With these 10 things in mind, we are able to confidently address familial issues in a way that leads to healing and resolution.
Opinions and Perspectives
These steps work, but you have to be genuinely committed to the process. Half measures don't cut it.
I had to learn that forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, but it does mean choosing to move forward.
Finding common ground with my father through our shared interest in gardening opened doors for deeper conversations.
This reminds me that healing is possible even when it seems hopeless at first.
Taking responsibility for my part was humbling but necessary for real healing to begin.
Starting with small talk helped ease tensions with my sister before we addressed bigger issues.
The part about accepting the situation really hit home. You can't change the past, only how you move forward.
Being willing to listen means actually hearing things that might make you uncomfortable. That's been my experience.
I found success in focusing on the future rather than rehashing past hurts.
These steps helped me understand why previous attempts at reconciliation failed with my brother.
The article could have mentioned the importance of timing. Not everyone is ready to heal at the same time.
Sometimes the hardest step is admitting you want to repair the relationship in the first place.
Im grateful for these tips but wish there was more guidance on handling ongoing family dynamics.
It's important to remember that healing benefits everyone, not just the people directly involved in the conflict.
The advice about breaking conversations into smaller parts saved my relationship with my mother.
Small gestures can make a big difference. I started by just sending birthday cards to my estranged aunt.
What about situations where addiction or mental health issues are involved? That adds another layer of complexity.
Practicing these steps takes real courage. It's not easy facing family conflicts head-on.
I appreciate how the article emphasizes personal responsibility without placing blame.
Making amends doesn't always mean things go back to normal. Sometimes it just means finding a new normal.
The article should have addressed how to handle toxic family members who consistently cross boundaries.
Professional family counseling alongside these steps really helped us work through our issues.
I think timing is everything. Sometimes you both need space before attempting reconciliation.
The suggestion about common ground helped me reconnect with my cousin. We bonded over shared family recipes.
These steps really work. I reconciled with my aunt using similar approaches and we're closer than ever now.
Its interesting how the article mentions generational patterns in handling conflict. I can definitely see that in my family.
The hardest part for me is staying calm when discussing triggering topics with family members.
I learned that sometimes you have to agree to disagree on certain topics to maintain the relationship.
Managing expectations is important too. Not every relationship will return to what it once was, and thats okay.
True healing started for me when I stopped trying to prove I was right and started trying to understand their perspective.
The article makes it sound easier than it is. Some wounds are just too deep to heal completely.
I found that writing letters helped me organize my thoughts better than face-to-face conversations initially.
Listening without planning your response is such an underrated skill. It completely changed how I communicate with my family.
Something the article missed is the role of cultural differences in family conflicts. My multicultural family faces unique challenges.
Initiating communication is so hard when youve been hurt. It took me three years to reach out to my cousin.
The article could have mentioned the importance of setting boundaries during the reconciliation process. That's been key for me.
We need to remember that healing isn't linear. Some days are better than others, and that's okay.
Im finding it hard to put myself in my sisters shoes when shes clearly being unreasonable about our parents estate. Any advice?
The part about taking time to heal is crucial. My family tried to rush reconciliation and it just led to more hurt feelings.
Come on, every family definitely has problems. The difference is how they handle them. Even the most functional families have disagreements.
I disagree that every family has problems. Some just communicate better and resolve issues before they become problems.
What worked for me was starting with small talk and gradually building up to deeper conversations. You can't jump straight into the heavy stuff.
The distinction between assertive and aggressive communication really opened my eyes. I always thought I was being assertive, but now I realize I was often aggressive.
Sometimes accepting the situation means accepting that not all relationships can or should be fixed. That's a hard truth I've had to learn.
I wish this article had addressed what to do when the other person refuses to communicate. Been trying to reach out to my dad for months with no response.
The tip about common ground is so important. When I reconnected with my estranged brother, we started by talking about our shared childhood memories before addressing our issues.
My biggest challenge is not being defensive. Whenever my mother brings up certain topics, I immediately put up walls. Anyone else struggle with this?
Actually, I think forgiveness is implied throughout the article, especially in the parts about acceptance and putting yourself in their shoes.
I find it interesting that the article doesn't mention forgiveness specifically. In my experience, that's been crucial for healing family relationships.
The point about breaking conversations into smaller parts resonates with me. I tried having one big discussion with my sister and it just left us both emotionally drained without resolving anything.
I really appreciate how this article emphasizes accepting responsibility for our own part in family conflicts. It's something I struggled with for years until I realized I wasn't completely innocent in my family disputes.