10 Ways To Talk With Your Teen About School

You've been at work all day, and your kids have been at school. You finally get to pick them up, and while you are in the car, you ask the dreaded question, "How was your day?" You genuinely want to know, but the answer you always get from your 14 or 15-year-old is a half-shrug and, "uh, It was fine." 

Believe it or not, your teen actually wants to talk to you. But their day was jam-packed with learning new information, reviewing old lessons, navigating friendships and emotional stressors, and dealing with whatever their hormones decided to do to them. They had 7-8 classes, passing periods, & lunchtime. They hardly have time to breathe, much less process, and then discuss whatever happened at school. 

With a little practice and a lot of patience, you can develop strong and trusting conversations with your teenager about school. Start by asking open-ended questions that require more than a one-word answer. Then put your responses and judgments on hold and just listen. Finally, ask your teen if they need or want your help in dealing with any difficulties at school. Sometimes, all they need is to talk about it. 

Instituting some good conversational practices can improve your relationship with your teen and help give you more insight into their day-to-day high school experiences. 

I am a high school teacher, and my husband is a Marriage and Family Therapist. We have three kids, one in high school and two in college. The following suggestions are based on our own experiences and research in family systems and communication.

1.Make a Habit of Daily Discussions when Kids are Young

When the kids are little, they are excited to tell you everything that happened at school today. Every. Little. Detail. You may be feeling tired, stressed, annoyed, and worried about what to put on the table for dinner. However, it is essential to give them your attention and really listen to what they have to say. 

Building this foundation of trust and communication with your children when they are young will carry over to the teenage years. They will already be in the habit of sharing their day with you. 

2. Share Something About Your Day

 Make the conversation about your day go both ways between yourself and your teen. You want information about your teen's day, so be willing to share your day as well. Even today, when my youngest, a high school junior, asks me how my day was if I say "fine," she pushes for an honest answer. 

If your teen has experienced frustration during the day with a teacher or a peer, it can be reassuring to them to know that you also deal with frustration. Furthermore, you can explain your feelings and how you worked through them. This will give your child insight into how to handle a situation without you saying directly, "You should do this to solve the problem." 

Modeling a mature response is a more powerful teaching tool than giving instructions on solving the problem. Also, teens don't always see adults as people with the same everyday problems and feelings that they have. When you share your experiences, you are teaching them how to function in the adult world.

3. Ask Open-Ended Questions

If you are anything like me, you have asked your child, "How was school?" And the answer is "Fine." Maybe you say, "Did you learn anything today?" And the answer is "No." 

As a teacher, I can assure you that your student learned something at school. Can they put it into words? Maybe not. Sometimes the concepts that high school students approach may take several days to learn. If they are learning only parts of the whole, and they don't see yet how all the pieces fit together, they may genuinely not realize that they are learning a new skill. Don't worry; they will get it. 

Try asking open-ended questions that require more than one-word answers. Also, don't always focus on the content of the lessons. Check out these examples:

• What is something funny that happened today?
• Tell me about a frustration that you had today.
• Who did you eat lunch with? 

These types of questions will get you a whole sentence. They might even lead to a conversation about lesson materials. If they do, you can ask questions like this:

• How well do you understand the math assignment?
• Explain the story that you are reading in English.
• Why do you think that topic in history is important today?

Then, if your child is struggling to understand a subject, you are going to know it. We will address how to handle those struggles in a bit. For now, you just want to get your teen to talk.

4. Listen to Your Teen's Whole Story

When your student opens up to tell you all about their day, or even just about one event, let them tell the whole story without interrupting. If you have questions, save them for when they are done. Then you can ask questions that clarify the story. You will likely get more detail. Just keep listening. 

If you interrupt their flow, it might shut them down completely. So, as hard as it is, just listen. Active listening is a skill that takes some practice. The CDC offers some suggestions for learning to listen actively. You should stop whatever else you are doing and give your child your attention. Get down on their level and make eye contact. When it is appropriate, reflect back what they said to make sure that you understood them clearly. 

Remember that active listening takes practice. 

5. Be Non-Judgmental

While you are actively listening to your teen, you need to be non-judgmental. This is a hard one. Believe me, I know.  If you have a supportive, affirming response, show them. Tell them you are proud of them. 

On the other hand, teens will be teens, and sometimes they will do things you disagree with. They will also tell you about events at school that other students, teachers, or administrators do that you disapprove of. This is the hardest part. Let them finish the story, and keep your judgments in check. 

If your child made a mistake, ask them about it. Don't say, "What were you thinking!?!" because that will just make them defensive and shut down. (Voice of experience here). Instead, stay calm and neutral. Try questions like "How does this situation make you feel?" "Are you happy with the choices you made?" "What do you think you should do now?"  

You want to keep the conversation open and moving forward. And believe me, as a parent, this can be very hard. If you lose your cool in the discussion, admit it and apologize. 

Mental Health First Aid explains how to remain non-judgemental when you are listening. First, think about your own reaction and state of mind. Keep your reaction in check and let your teen finish telling you what they have to say. Next, respect your teen's feelings and experiences. Feelings are valid. Finally, continue to use positive body language and verbal reassurances to show that you are engaged in listening.

6. Sit Side-by-Side

Often, we have these school day conversations in the car. This is an excellent place to have difficult conversations. You know that it is hard to look someone in the eye when your emotions are all in turmoil. If you are sitting side-by-side in the car, you are close and can hear easily, but you aren't looking in one another's face. It can make a tough conversation a little easier by avoiding eye contact.

7. Giving and Withholding Advice

As parents, we want to "fix it" when our kids are struggling. At some point, though, you have to let your kids take the reigns for their own life. Developmentally, teens are starting to separate from you and create their own identities. Some of these school problems are the perfect situation for them to take control.

Remember, you are listening to the whole story. It is possible that your teen just needs to vent and tell the story to get it off their chest. Then you affirm that you love them, and that's it. Not everything needs action. But, how do you know? 

Ask your teen. When they present a problem they have at school, you should ask them:

• Do you want advice on how to handle this?
• Would it help to hear about a time I had a situation like this?
• Do you want me to be involved in helping solve this problem?

One of the most mortifying moments for teens is to have a parent call or come to school and pull the "mama bear" act on the school secretary. Often, you can suggest to your child who they can talk to at school and what to say when they do. Offer them a list of questions to ask so that they can take on the challenge themselves. 

This method shows your child that you trust in their ability to handle their own problems. It also teaches them how to approach a problematic situation properly. 

Is this to say that parents should never get involved? Of course not. There may be times when your teen needs you to sit down with the teacher or administration. But they can tell you when that is. 

8. Share Your Own School Experiences

Many of us parents want to forget what we did in high school because it is, frankly, embarrassing. But, if you can bear to share a few of your stories with your teen, they will come to realize that their experiences as a teen are typical. You might even be able to steer them away from making some of the same mistakes that you made in school. 

9. Help Your Child See the Value in Education

One of the most common questions I hear as a teacher and as a mother is, "Why do I have to learn this?" As an English teacher, I have to be honest that I haven't ever used calculus in my adult life. Also, as an English teacher, I am honest with my students when they ask me when they are ever going to need to reread Beowulf. They probably don't. 

However, what we do learn from taking classes at school is how to learn hard things. As an adult, I have learned how to do many complex tasks, like rewiring light fixtures and installing flooring. These are not exactly taught in English Teacher school. But, because I learned how to learn, I am confident that I can learn how to do almost anything.

Another value that students need to see in high school is that more and more, high schools are preparing students for the workforce. My daughter's high school offers certifications in cosmetology, HVAC, automotive repair, and other skills. The school where I taught offers certificates in welding, drone piloting, Certified Nursing Assistant, and Pharmacy Technician. Help your child see how they can get the most of their high school education.

10. Remind Your Teen that Success Looks Different for Everyone

One of the great frustrations for students is that school success is measured by grades. The more successful a student is, the higher their grades are. Personally, I feel that this is a failing of the school system, although I don't have a solution for it.

If your teen is upset or frustrated because their grades are lower than they want them to be, remind them that success looks different for each person. For example, I am excellent at English and History. My math skills are not cream of the crop. I was super excited to get a 70 in pre-calculus the second time I took it. (I failed it the first time.) 

Some students' hard work and dedication earns a C, while others can hurry through an assignment and earn an A. Encourage your child not to compare themselves to others. The only person they should compete against is themselves. 

Support them by saying that if they are doing their best, then it is enough. Avoid forcing your standards of success onto them. 

I made that mistake this year with my daughter. She was really proud of her report card full of Bs and Cs. And while I, too, was pleased with her B in chemistry, I was disappointed in the other grades, and I let it show. Honestly, I was looking at the number grades only and thinking that she had a lot more potential. I didn't consider that during that grading cycle, she had some major health struggles, and two of her friends had attempted suicide. In the light of those challenges, her grades were an immense success. 

Concluding Thoughts

Talking with teens about school can be difficult. But overcoming difficulties is incredibly rewarding. At the same time that your teen is developing independence and an identity separate from the family, you can grow closer as a trustworthy source of information and communication. Practice these communication skills with your teens and watch your relationships flourish.