Minimizing The Impact Of Your Divorce On Your Kids
As I'm sitting here scrolling through my social media I see many new relationship statuses. Many with new people, many with exes. Many of the ones that are with exes are like yoyos.
They bounce back and forth with each other. Even though yoyos are not healthy for the relationship, it is a hard decision to let it all go. Especially, for the ones that have been together for 10 or more years and have built a family together with children.
When you do decide it is time to let go always make sure you have weighed your options. Have you attended marriage counseling or are both of you willing to try it out? You should also think if there is actually anything broken in your relationship, if so, can it be fixed?
If it is really time to end your marriage and you have decided to move on from the person, make sure you talk and gently explain the situation to your kids, depending on their age. If they are old enough to understand don't just leave them in the dark. This would be bad for everyone.
As many know, ending a marriage can be very stressful, heartbreaking, and very emotional. Especially, when the couple has been together for so long and had children together. The difference between ending a marriage with children and without children would be the emotional scars that are left on the children.
Your children will begin to resent you and blame you for their pain. Even though you were for sure in your heart this was the best choice for them. Again, this all depends on the age of the children when the marriage ended. Very soon after you ended your marriage, you meet someone who also just got out of their marriage for the same reasons as you did.
You automatically think, "This must be fate!". You thought there couldn't possibly be anybody in your situation that you can relate to or talk to about it. So, you immediately start spending all your waking hours with this person, not realizing the affects it is having on both of your children.
Until you notice the children are starting to rebel. Some may not notice this behavior for many years down the line when you are deep into the new relationship. The reason could be that you didn't want to see it. Until your child starts running with the wrong crowd and getting into trouble with the law.
You notice your children will always bring it up when they start to act out and completely blame you for the divorce and broken family. This could mainly be from them being hurt about the other parent not being around as much anymore and them being confused about the whole situation.
Furthermore, years later you notice the different kinds of love people are capable of or not capable of. You may have noticed this differently - years before or at the beginning of your relationship but hoping it would get stronger or better. More like the type of love you are accustomed to or have known yourself.
Does this love type mean the feelings aren't really there or just different from the love you have experienced in the past? The love you are used to is the type where your significant other will open doors for you, and slap your bottom as you walk in. Or, that he loves to cuddle with you in the night and never lets you go or feel insecure.
Also, the love you are used to is him making sure everything with you is good before he leaves for his friends, work, or even if he is just going down the road to the store for a quick trip. This type of love and affection is absent from your current relationship, but you're always hoping it will surface soon. Years pass and it never does.
This is when you really begin to question your current situation and whether or not this was the right choice. You have been together in this relationship for not quite 10 years but close enough and he has not even mentioned marriage. He doesn't really show you the affection you are yearning for.
You do try to talk to him about it but he shuts down at the thought of marriage or being more affectionate. You start to think was this relationship just something to fill a void? For you and for him? Since you two were so quick to start a new relationship right after the old one. Neither of you was ready, neither of you grieved your last relationship.
Then, as you begin to really look at your current situation in your relationship, you begin to think, "Was this the right choice?". While you know having your children in a safe, secure, place with you was the right choice. You begin to wonder if the new relationship is better or worse.
The two of you seem to be totally different from what the other expected. Many that have been through a divorce may have waited for a relationship to come along later down the line - after they have given themselves and family time. Others that did not may have realized they were not prepared for the new relationship to be so different from what they had in mind.
The affects it has on your children can be very heartbreaking. You two were so quick to be together 24/7 and move in together not thinking twice about it, just doing it. So many people kept doubting your love for each other and tried to make you see what was happening.
You two were so focused on getting over the last relationship and wanted to prove everyone wrong. You didn't really think long and hard if your relationship would be the best choice for you both as well as your children.
Although many in similar situations may have had better experiences, it would be best when a person is in a bad marriage and has freshly exited the relationship to give yourself time. This is especially important if you have children.
Give your children time. Think of everything they are going through and what is best for both you and your children first. Many may have heard the saying "get under someone to get over someone" I know I have. Personally, this is completely the wrong way to look at it. A person needs time to grieve their past relationship.
Unless you are willing to watch your kids go through the pain and not understand it completely. If there is no way for you to fix your marriage after all the options have been explored don't try to force yourself or your kids to get over it right away.
You may even need some time for you and your children to cry it out together. You have to remember this has been a big change in their lives as well as yours. You may also need to let yourself have some alone time to cry it out. And make sure that you heal yourself after ending the toxic relationship. Rediscover yourself.
Once that is all said and done, get up and get yourself back together and be the best mother you can be to your babies. You can get through anything you set your mind to!
Opinions and Perspectives
I really appreciate this article addressing how rushing into new relationships after divorce can impact children. It's something I wish I'd understood better during my own divorce.
The point about giving yourself time to grieve the past relationship really resonates with me. I jumped into dating too quickly and it definitely affected my kids.
My parents divorced when I was young and did exactly this yo-yo thing. It was so confusing and honestly traumatic for me as a child.
I don't entirely agree that you need to wait a long time before dating again. Sometimes meeting the right person can help you heal and be a better parent.
The part about different types of love really hit home. My new partner shows affection differently than my ex and it took time for me to understand that wasn't necessarily bad.
Can we talk about how marriage counseling should be mandatory before divorce when kids are involved? It helped us realize separation was actually the right choice.
This article makes divorce sound so doom and gloom. Sometimes it's actually better for kids to see their parents happy apart than miserable together.
You make such a valid point about counseling. We tried it and while we still divorced, it helped us communicate better as co-parents.
Anyone else notice their kids acting out right after introducing a new partner? My teenagers really struggled with this.
I waited two years after my divorce before dating and it was the best decision I could have made for my kids.
The article doesn't address how to handle it when your ex moves on quickly and introduces their new partner to the kids immediately.
That part about watching for signs of rebellion really spoke to me. My daughter started having issues at school six months after I started dating again.
I'm going through this right now and feeling so guilty about how it's affecting my kids. Does anyone have advice on how to help them cope?
Sometimes I wonder if staying in an unhappy marriage for the kids would have been better than divorcing. The guilt is real.
My kids actually adjusted better than I expected when I started dating again, but I waited over a year and involved them in conversations about it.
The comparison of relationships to yoyos is spot on. I've seen so many couples do this and it's absolutely devastating for the children.
Let's be honest, there's no perfect timeline for moving on after divorce. Every situation is different.
True healing takes time, and rushing into a new relationship often means you're just masking the pain rather than dealing with it.
The advice about crying together with your kids really touched me. We actually do this sometimes and it helps us process our emotions together.
I think we sometimes underestimate how perceptive kids are about relationships. They can tell when we're forcing something.
Has anyone else noticed their kids becoming super protective of them when they start dating again?
The part about different love languages in new relationships is interesting. I found myself comparing everything to my previous marriage at first.
My kids were actually relieved when I finally divorced their dad. Not every divorce traumatizes children.
Interesting perspective about waiting to date, but what's the right amount of time? A year? Two years? There's no clear answer.
After reading this, I realize I probably should have waited longer before introducing my new partner to my kids.
The section about marriage counseling is crucial. We tried it and actually managed to save our marriage.
This really puts into perspective how my actions might be affecting my kids long-term.
I'm glad someone finally addressed the rebound relationship issue. We often don't realize we're doing it until we're in too deep.