Do You Love Them Or The Version Of Them You Made Up?

There's no greater waste of time then falling for someone's potential.
potential
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The question you should ask yourself is: can you see the red flags in them or are you choosing to ignore them?

If you are choosing to ignore all their red flags you may be idealizing who you think they have the potential to be. And that idealization leads you to fall for a version of them that doesn't exist.

Potential is a dangerous thing, it makes you believe they can be better than they are. It can be unfair to you and the other person having these expectations of them that they may never be able to reach. And slowly but surely those expectations you had of them will turn into future resentments.

You have to see them for how they’re showing up, what they’re showing you is exactly who they are. And it’s easy to overlook their red flags in the hope they’ll become the person you think they have the potential to be. But the thing is that day may never come and it’s heartbreaking when you finally accept that they will never become the person you think they can be.

The thing is the more & more effort and the love you put into the person won’t magically turn them into who you think they can be. They are who they are and will not become the person you think they have the potential to be if they don’t want to fix themselves.

And when this person you poured out so much love for doesn’t become that person you thought they could be it’s so easy to blame yourself. It’s easy to think you didn’t love them enough when in reality it was never about you. Their unwillingness to change isn’t your fault and has nothing to with who you are.

One of my favorite podcasts, In Your Feelings, dives into how dangerous it is when you fall for someone’s potential & ways to move on from how heartbreaking it can be.

One of the things mentioned in the podcast that’s important to think about when you’re stuck trying to let go and move on from someone you should ask yourself this question:

If you were to stop putting effort into this relationship, into this person what would happen?

And if your answer falls somewhere along the lines of the relationship would fall apart or cease to exist then maybe your relationship wasn't what you imagined it to be.

It's not your fault for wanting to believe in their goodness or in that they could be better than they are. But realize you deserve someone who proves they can be your person and be what you need. You deserve the kind of love that you always so easily give to everyone else without a second thought. 

Opinions and Perspectives

This article really hits home. I've definitely been guilty of falling for someone's potential rather than who they actually were.

I understand the message but sometimes people DO change and grow. I met my partner when they were still figuring things out and now we've grown together beautifully.

That's a fair point about people changing, but I think the key difference is whether they want to change for themselves vs someone trying to change them.

The part about expectations turning into resentments really resonated with me. Been there, done that, got the emotional scars to prove it!

I struggle with this because I believe in seeing the best in people. But there's definitely a fine line between optimism and denial.

Interesting perspective. I wonder though, isn't there value in encouraging someone to reach their full potential?

The podcast recommendation sounds interesting. Has anyone actually listened to it? Would love to hear thoughts.

That question about what happens if you stop putting in effort is so powerful. Made me really think about my past relationships.

I actually disagree with some points here. Sometimes people need someone to believe in them before they can believe in themselves.

This reminds me of my last relationship where I spent years waiting for them to become who I thought they could be. Such a waste of time.

The part about blaming yourself really struck a chord. I spent so long thinking if I just loved harder things would change.

We're all works in progress though, aren't we? I think it's about finding someone who's actively working on themselves.

I've been on both sides of this. It's exhausting trying to live up to someone's idealized version of you.

That bit about potential being dangerous is spot on. It's like gambling with your heart sometimes.

The article makes good points but feels a bit pessimistic. Sometimes seeing someone's potential is what helps them achieve it.

Reading this made me realize I might be doing this right now in my relationship. Time for some serious reflection.

The red flags part is crucial. We often see them but choose to paint them a different color.

My therapist actually shared something similar with me. She called it 'loving the hologram' instead of the person.

I needed to read this today. Currently dealing with exactly this situation and it's hard to let go.

The real challenge is distinguishing between someone's genuine potential and our idealized version of them.

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